October 7, 2024
For years, many of which I spent in the alcohol industry, I was a consuming 7-10 drinks a day, every day. It wasn’t for the buzz that I used to chase when I was younger, it was just routine. And indeed, I was concerned that if I ever broke the routine, I would suffer from withdrawals, the shakes, relapses, relapse-induced shame, and everything else the recovery industrial complex warns about.
At times in my heavy-drinking career, I had days when I wished I could quit, but believed I couldn’t, and even if I tried, I lacked the support to get through the hard days, so I didn’t.
Until I had a bad day. It wasn’t a heartbreaking horror story like so many have. I went overboard with the drinks, dropped some dishes, double-ordered pizza for dinner, and made my wife uncomfortable while our kids were home, so I promised I would quit.
What a terrifying moment I was faced with: the withdrawals, shakes, relapse shame, it was time to face all of it that I was convinced was on my horizon.
The ritual portion remained a struggle for a couple days. Morning to night, I needed a Fanta in-hand to mimic the long-held ritual. And then there was nothing. There was only one boogey monster remaining: relapses. What if I have a drink with my father in-law once a month? Will I slip back into what I thought was a disease? That ended up being a false fear as well. There was just a decision and forming a new routine.
I was obviously pleased to be free, but I was also pissed off for some strange reason. I put this off for so long. Years longer than I had to, because AA as an institution has established that if you are once an addict, you will always be an addict. It’s canonized. I have never even been to an AA meeting, but I have heard the adage many times.
Like so many institutions and non-profits, if they solve the problem of their mission statement, they will lose participants, lose funding, and put themselves out of business. A great way to combat this would be to tell someone they are never done. They need to keep going to meetings for 40 years after their last drink, or they risk a relapse, and would have to start their “sobriety” over. Turn in your coins. Back to day one.
My purpose is not to discount the 100’s of 1000’s of people whose lives have been transformed for the better by AA. Beware of institutions that consider you a KPI. Once they have you, they have no incentive to let you go. Homeless shelters don’t want to address the root causes of homelessness, just like AA doesn’t want you to ever believe you are free. The 12-step program is prolific, and because it is so prolific, imagine the damage it has done to people who were too afraid to put down the bottle because there would be 11 more steps and years of work, just to still call yourself an addict after decades of sobriety?
Maybe I wasn’t an alcoholic. Maybe I was just a drunk. But I followed the routine of an alcoholic, so there was no reason to believe I wasn’t. And I am so pleased to have discovered that I was able to change my life for the better without committing to a lifetime of recovery. I just did it. Just do it. And don’t give anyone else the credit. It might not be as hard as you think.
Fuck AA.
Jarom Reid 